 It
is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great
town or travel in the country, when they see the streets,
the roads, and cabin doors, crowded with beggars of the
female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in
rags and importuning every passenger for an alms. These
mothers, instead of being able to work for their honest
livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in strolling
to beg sustenance for their helpless infants: who as they
grow up either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their
dear native country to fight for the Pretender in Spain, or
sell themselves to the Barbadoes.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious
number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the
heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is
in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great
additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out
a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these children
sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so
well of the public as to have his statue set up for a
preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from
being confined to provide only for the children of professed
beggars; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in
the whole number of infants at a certain age who are born of
parents in effect as little able to support them as those
who demand our charity in the streets.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my
acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well
nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and
wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled
...
As to my own part, having turned my
thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and
maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I
have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation.
It is true, a child just dropped from its dam may be
supported by her milk for a solar year, with little other
nourishment; at most not above the value of 2s., which the
mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her
lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year
old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as
instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish,
or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives,
they shall on the contrary contribute to the feeding, and
partly to the clothing, of many thousands.
There is likewise another great
advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary
abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their
bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! sacrificing
the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense
than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most
savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in
this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half,
of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand
couple whose wives are breeders; from which number I
subtract thirty thousand couples who are able to maintain
their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so
many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this
being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy
thousand breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand for those
women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or
disease within the year. There only remains one hundred and
twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The
question therefore is, how this number shall be reared and
provided for, which, as I have already said, under the
present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all
the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ
them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses
(I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very
seldom pick up a livelihood by stealing, till they arrive at
six years old, except where they are of towardly parts,
although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier,
during which time, they can however be properly looked upon
only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal
gentleman in the county of Cavan, who protested to me that
he never knew above one or two instances under the age of
six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the
quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by
our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old
is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age
they will not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and
half-a-crown at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to
account either to the parents or kingdom, the charge of
nutriment and rags having been at least four times that
value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose
my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the
least objection.
I have been
assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in
London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year
old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food,
whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no
doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
I do
therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of
the hundred and twenty thousand children already computed,
twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only
one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to
sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these
children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance
not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be
sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining hundred
thousand may, at a year old, be offered in the sale to the
persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always
advising the mother to let them suck plentifully in the last
month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table.
A child will make two dishes at an entertainment for
friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind
quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a
little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth
day, especially in winter.
I have reckoned
upon a medium that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds,
and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, increaseth to 28
pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat
dear, and therefore very proper for landlords, who, as they
have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the
best title to the children.
Infant's flesh will be in season
throughout the year, but more plentiful in March, and a
little before and after; for we are told by a grave author,
an eminent French physician, that fish being a prolific
diet, there are more children born in Roman Catholic
countries about nine months after Lent than at any other
season; therefore, reckoning a year after Lent, the markets
will be more glutted than usual, because the number of
popish infants is at least three to one in this kingdom: and
therefore it will have one other collateral advantage, by
lessening the number of papists among us.
I have already
computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which
list I reckon all cottagers, labourers, and four-fifths of
the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags
included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give
ten shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as
I have said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive
meat, when he hath only some particular friend or his own
family to dine with him. Thus the squire will learn to be a
good landlord, and grow popular among his tenants; the
mother will have eight shillings net profit, and be fit for
work till she produces another child.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must
confess the times require) may flay the carcass; the skin of
which artificially dressed will make admirable gloves for
ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.
As to our city of Dublin, shambles
may be appointed for this purpose in the most convenient
parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be
wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children
alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do
roasting pigs.
A very worthy person, a true lover of
his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem, was lately
pleased in discoursing on this matter to offer a refinement
upon my scheme. He said that many gentlemen of this kingdom,
having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived that the
want of venison might be well supplied by the bodies of
young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age
nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every
country being now ready to starve for want of work and
service; and these to be disposed of by their parents, if
alive, or otherwise by their nearest relations. But with due
deference to so excellent a friend and so deserving a
patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to
the males, my American acquaintance assured me, from
frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough
and lean, like that of our schoolboys by continual exercise,
and their taste disagreeable; and to fatten them would not
answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I
think, with humble submission be a loss to the public,
because they soon would become breeders themselves; and
besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people
might be apt to censure such a practice (although indeed
very unjustly), as a little bordering upon cruelty; which, I
confess, hath always been with me the strongest objection
against any project, however so well intended.
But in order to
justify my friend, he confessed that this expedient was put
into his head by the famous Psalmanazar, a native of the
island Formosa, who came from thence to London above twenty
years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his
country when any young person happened to be put to death,
the executioner sold the carcass to persons of quality as a
prime dainty; and that in his time the body of a plump girl
of fifteen, who was crucified for an attempt to poison the
emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister
of state, and other great mandarins of the court, in joints
from the gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can
I deny, that if the same use were made of several plump
young girls in this town, who without one single groat to
their fortunes cannot stir abroad without a chair, and
appear at playhouse and assemblies in foreign fineries which
they never will pay for, the kingdom would not be the worse.
Some persons of
a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast
number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed,
and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course
may be taken to ease the nation of so grievous an
encumbrance. But I am not in the least pain upon that
matter, because it is very well known that they are every
day dying and rotting by cold and famine, and filth and
vermin, as fast as can be reasonably expected. And as to the
young labourers, they are now in as hopeful a condition;
they cannot get work, and consequently pine away for want of
nourishment, to a degree that if at any time they are
accidentally hired to common labour, they have not strength
to perform it; and thus the country and themselves are
happily delivered from the evils to come.
I have too long digressed, and
therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages
by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as
well as of the highest importance.
For first, as I
have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of
papists, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the
principal breeders of the nation as well as our most
dangerous enemies; and who stay at home on purpose with a
design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to
take their advantage by the absence of so many good
protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country
than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to
an episcopal curate.
Secondly, The poorer tenants will
have something valuable of their own, which by law may be
made liable to distress and help to pay their landlord's
rent, their corn and cattle being already seized, and money
a thing unknown.
Thirdly, Whereas the maintenance of
an hundred thousand children, from two years old and upward,
cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a-piece per
annum, the nation's stock will be thereby increased fifty
thousand pounds per annum, beside the profit of a new dish
introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the
kingdom who have any refinement in taste. And the money will
circulate among ourselves, the goods being entirely of our
own growth and manufacture.
Fourthly, The constant breeders,
beside the gain of eight shillings sterling per annum by the
sale of their children, will be rid of the charge of
maintaining them after the first year.
Fifthly, This food would likewise
bring great custom to taverns; where the vintners will
certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for
dressing it to perfection, and consequently have their
houses frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly
value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating: and a
skilful cook, who understands how to oblige his guests, will
contrive to make it as expensive as they please.
Sixthly, This
would be a great inducement to marriage, which all wise
nations have either encouraged by rewards or enforced by
laws and penalties. It would increase the care and
tenderness of mothers toward their children, when they were
sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in
some sort by the public, to their annual profit instead of
expense. We should see an honest emulation among the married
women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the
market. Men would become as fond of their wives during the
time of their pregnancy as they are now of their mares in
foal, their cows in calf, their sows when they are ready to
farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a
practice) for fear of a miscarriage.
Many other
advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition
of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of barreled
beef, the propagation of swine's flesh, and improvement in
the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the
great destruction of pigs, too frequent at our tables; which
are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a
well-grown, fat, yearling child, which roasted whole will
make a considerable figure at a lord mayor's feast or any
other public entertainment. But this and many others I omit,
being studious of brevity.
Supposing that one thousand families
in this city, would be constant customers for infants flesh,
besides others who might have it at merry meetings,
particularly at weddings and christenings, I compute that
Dublin would take off annually about twenty thousand
carcasses; and the rest of the kingdom (where probably they
will be sold somewhat cheaper) the remaining eighty
thousand.
I can think of
no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this
proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of
people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I
freely own, and 'twas indeed one principal design in
offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe,
that I calculate my remedy for this one individual Kingdom
of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think,
ever can be upon Earth. Therefore let no man talk to me of
other expedients: Of taxing our absentees at five shillings
a pound: Of using neither cloaths, nor houshold furniture,
except what is of our own growth and manufacture: Of utterly
rejecting the materials and instruments that promote foreign
luxury: Of curing the expensiveness of pride, vanity,
idleness, and gaming in our women: Of introducing a vein of
parsimony, prudence and temperance: Of learning to love our
country, wherein we differ even from Laplanders, and the
inhabitants of Topinamboo: Of quitting our animosities and
factions, nor acting any longer like the Jews, who were
murdering one another at the very moment their city was
taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our country
and consciences for nothing: Of teaching landlords to have
at least one degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly,
of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and skill into our
shop-keepers, who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy
only our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and
exact upon us in the price, the measure, and the goodness,
nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair proposal of
just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.
Therefore I
repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like
expedients, 'till he hath at least some glympse of hope,
that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to
put them into practice.
But, as to my
self, having been wearied out for many years with offering
vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly
despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this
proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something
solid and real, of no expence and little trouble, full in
our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in
disobliging England. For this kind of commodity will not
bear exportation, and flesh being of too tender a
consistence, to admit a long continuance in salt, although
perhaps I could name a country, which would be glad to eat
up our whole nation without it.
After all, I am
not so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any
offer proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally
innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before something
of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my
scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or
authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points.
First, as things now stand, how they will be able to find
food and raiment for an hundred thousand useless mouths and
backs. And secondly, there being a round million of
creatures in human figure throughout this kingdom, whose
whole subsistence put into a common stock would leave them
in debt two millions of pounds sterling, adding those who
are beggars by profession to the bulk of farmers, cottagers,
and labourers, with their wives and children who are beggars
in effect: I desire those politicians who dislike my
overture, and may perhaps be so bold as to attempt an
answer, that they will first ask the parents of these
mortals, whether they would not at this day think it a great
happiness to have been sold for food, at a year old in the
manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a
perpetual scene of misfortunes as they have since gone
through by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of
paying rent without money or trade, the want of common
sustenance, with neither house nor clothes to cover them
from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most
inevitable prospect of entailing the like or greater
miseries upon their breed for ever.
I profess, in
the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least
personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary
work, having no other motive than the public good of my
country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants,
relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I
have no children by which I can propose to get a single
penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past
child-bearing.
The End
I don't know
why but I'm always rather relieved and impressed when I come
across the very great writers who liked a drink. One of the
reasons that Swift gave for staying in Ireland for so long
and returning
to England only twice in his self-imposed exile, was that
the price of wine in England was far too dear. When he went
visiting in Ireland he would send his own wine on before
him. The cover story was that he wanted to treat his
host. The real story seems to have been that he wanted to
make sure there was plenty for him to drink when he got
there. That combination of precise, logical, utterly lean
prose and, I presume, a steady portion of hangovers is
something to be regarded with awe. Or maybe there's a
connection between wine and the literary voice? After
all, we could take it back to Plato and so many examples
from the 5th century BC to today.
The above paragraph is politically incorrect.
Swift was gloriously politically incorrect by our standards
but our standards are a poor way to unlock the past. The
centuries in which he lived,17th and 18th, were much more
callous, much more brutal, much more cruel than our
own. That they were the time when Britain was reaching a
dizzy, imperial, industrial
and scientific greatness is a connection that probably
doesn't hold up, but the parallel, at least, might bear
examination
Melvyn Bragg |
